The laws of the children's pack. How to help your child socialize
The greatest difficulties fall to the lot of those children whose parents "express themselves", looking for non-standard names for children …
Remember there were boys at school who didn't respond to their names? The name Yegor, which has now become familiar, sounded in my generation as overly extravagant. Today we no longer react to Savva, Dobrynya and Elizaveta. And then Yegor turned himself into Garik. I don’t know if he responds to his name today or he retired as Garik …
Snezhana studied at school with my children in the late 80s - early 90s. I remember how my daughter shared this news with us. In her words, there was clearly visible joy at being called a "normal" name.
She said that she and her friends went to "look" at Snezhana. They were shocked by the discrepancy between the mediocrity of the appearance and the exclusiveness of the name. The girls were sure that at least the Snow Queen should be behind such a name, but certainly not Babarikha's girlfriend - the Weaver or the Cook.
Incubator chicks
As Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology explains, children's groups are a cast of a prehistoric human flock. Here strength, dexterity, courage are valued, and here - everyone is equal. Pack collectivism. Anyone who is out of line is rejected. Within the team, all children strive to comply with the existing local standard of behavior.
How impossible it is to convince a second grader to put on a new and beautiful, in your opinion, dress, just because no one wears such dresses in "their school"! Sometimes the child does not understand and cannot explain why he refuses the offered jacket. And if the parents are too persistent, then this jacket will be crumpled and stuffed into the farthest corner as soon as the child leaves the parental control zone.
Probably, many of us, having become parents of schoolchildren, at least once uttered the phrase: "I brought it from school …" This could refer to demeanor, turn of speech, persistent phrases and foul language. We all would like to justify any negative on the angelic face of our own child by someone's influence. But one thing is clear: children learned the standards of their environment, striving with all their might to be a unified part of the team.
Even in kindergarten, the little ones very quickly captured the collective spirit of the small community. The four-year-old house princess, happily dressing up as a queen in front of the mirror, began to choose the most ordinary clothes for kindergarten. She was convinced from her own experience that an unusual outfit would make her an object of not the most kind attention: someone would just touch it, while the other would pull or try to tear off the bows and beads … We, parents, repeated with surprise and irritation: "Where is this from?" Did not understand. We consoled ourselves with the fact that the child would outgrow this and become like us.
"Teenager" sounds proud
Even the most difficult school years fly by, and the child, to whom even a word can no longer be applied, becomes a high school student. And here the parents are in for another shock of adaptation to their own, but already unfamiliar stranger, son or daughter. Your "teenager" no longer understands or accepts your opinion in the firm belief that after forty, life ends. You instantly become an archaic fossil, unable to understand how a fourteen-year-old person should live. And he needs to get out of the general row, to assert his personality by any means.
Someone wants to dress like a pop idol, another requires a stunning vacation to be proud to tell: "You have not seen real coral reefs … What to talk to you about?" Some arrange a parade of parental achievements when they have something to trump their classmates …
Where have yesterday's lovely kids gone, who tried to be the same, like incubator chickens? Why has the school space turned into a stadium for competitions in a sport unknown to science?
How to understand your child?
Parents should help their children go through the period of adaptation. If not them, then other people will influence our children. There is no guarantee that this will coincide with the aspirations and plans of the family, and even more so will benefit him. Therefore, it is desirable for all parents to know the features and difficulties of each period of the child's formation. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan can explain and suggest the solution.
A new person comes into life, and a touching mother, looking at her happiness, asks questions about what he will be like. Look like mom or dad, grandfather on mom's side or aunt on dad’s side?
System-vector psychology says that each of us carries a set of certain desires, innate properties to satisfy these desires and the potential of possibilities, the totality of which is called a vector.
There are eight vectors in total. It would be easy and simple to understand a person if each of us possessed one single vector. But nature is generous. She gives us different vectors, of which there are eight in total. A modern person, as a rule, has from three to five vectors. Thus, personal characteristics, goals that we will choose, the way of moving towards them are determined by vectors, their mutual influence and level of development.
Therefore, even if someone has eyes exactly like dad's - aqua in a nine-point storm - this does not mean that he will happily and proudly walk through life as a sixth-class wasteful, like a dad, a jack of all trades, whom he respects the whole team, the owner of the anal vector. It may very well be that my son will turn out to be a broker on the stock exchange - where you need to make decisions in a split second and be able to adapt to a constantly changing environment. After all, there he realizes his innate qualities of the skin vector. Or a visual girl with a sense of beauty given to her by nature will climb the professional ladder all her life: from an ordinary hairdresser to a designer-stylist.
Age features of children's behavior are programmed by nature
A person is given a short, but very significant period for the development of vectors, since they develop until the end of puberty (up to about 16 years). Short, because only a little over fifteen years to try to rise to a high level of development of innate properties. Significant, since a life from three to sixteen years contains much more than a period from fifty to sixty. During these years of formation, there is a lot to be done, having passed the way from an archetypal schooling man to a social person, adequate to the modern level of world development.
From the age of three, the child has a feeling of his own separation from others. He begins to understand that there is "I", and there are other people and the world around. He is still dependent on his parents, primarily on his mother, and through her, on his father. As Yuri Brulan's System-Vector Psychology explains, the most important thing that we can give him at this age is a sense of security and safety, and send him to kindergarten, where he will acquire the skill of socialization, the ability to find his place among other people.
Once in kindergarten, the baby takes his first independent steps, trying to fit into a social group, understand its rules, and find his place in it. He unconsciously behaves according to the primitive principle, like an aborigine of the ancient savannah, trying to be invisible in the landscape, so that he would not be eaten by wild animals. Anything that can push a child out of the general row becomes a threat to his survival. The effect of social mimicry arises when the kids try to merge with society, to become invisible ducklings in a flock of the same.
But not only has nature endowed someone with genotype features that distinguish them from the flock: height, weight, hair and skin color, gait, but also parents make their unreasonable contribution to the loss of security and safety. Mothers, who once dreamed of beautiful dresses, make their dreams come true by sending their princesses to kindergarten in awkward, not-for-age outfits. And high-heeled shoes in second grade! I would like to invite these loving mothers to the incubator so that they can see how the chickens peck to death the same chick as they do, because a drop of red paint was applied to him … Just because he is different!
Have pity on the children
The greatest difficulties fall on those children whose parents "express themselves" by looking for non-standard names for children.
In 1991, in Sweden, a couple named their newborn son, Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116. They were fined 5,000 CZK (about $ 750). *
It's good when the state tries to correct the behavior of inadequate parents, because sometimes children need to be protected from the stupidity of irresponsible dads and moms.
A name that helps you live
In many Catholic countries, it is customary to give newborns double names - Marie-Rose, Amelie-Julia. Previously, this was associated with religious beliefs: the child was guarded by the saint whose name he was named. Modern parents explain the double name more simply: let the child have the right to choose at least two names. If one name does not suit him, then perhaps the other will suit him more. Democracy from the cradle.
In French-speaking countries, some double names have merged over time into an indivisible whole: Gillebert, Evelyne. Others are used in pairs, like one name: Jean-Pierre, Anne-Claude. But all the names belong to the classics of the genre and little Marianne and Jean-Yves feel comfortable in the children's team.
Another example of a wise decision of parents is the name of the multiple champion of Canada and three-time world champion in figure skating - Patrick Shen. The boy, born in Canada, into a family of immigrants from Hong Kong, was given the compositional name Patrick Lewis Wai - Kuan. So he did not stand out among the locals or among the immigrants. The grown up young talent chose for himself what turned out to be more in tune with his soul. Today we know him by the name Patrick.
Russian culture provides ample opportunities to diversify the most common names - these are diminutive formations from the main name. There is a myriad of "home" names, for example, for Ekaterina and Vsevolod: Katerina, Katya, Katenka, Katyusha, Katusha, Tata, Tasha … Seva, Lodea, Vlad, Sevochka …
How much love and tenderness is heard in my mother's address to Milochka, who, having matured, will become Lyudmila, or to Igor, who will become Igor over the years.
Keep in mind that a child with an overly pretentious name is guaranteed additional unwanted adult attention. Little Malvina in the kindergarten of the regional center of the Pskov region will be an object for comparison with a fabulous beauty. And the comparison will not always be in favor of the living Malvina. The fourth-grader Feofan will be at the blackboard more often than others. Poor things are provided with additional and completely undeserved stress every time they are addressed by their first name. That is, constantly.
From yesterday's gray mice to the Firebird
Only the parents entered the rhythm of school life, only got used to the difficulties of the period a little, as the collapse of the established relationship occurs. "Teenager" is the proud name of yesterday's quiet fifth grader. There is no longer a desire to be like everyone else, it's time to show yourself to the world. Yesterday, the school uniform was just clothes, but today: "It's awful! I look like a scarecrow in this uniform …"
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan provides an explanation for the phenomenon of the transformation of yesterday's pupa into a butterfly. By this age, the period of development ends when the child instinctively tried to increase his safety and security, mimicking in society. The pupa of a butterfly looks like a dry twig or a withered leaf. No bright colors, no smell. Everything contributes to preservation and survival. At this time, the formation and accumulation of qualities and abilities takes place. As soon as the required level is reached, the butterfly spreads its wings and rushes into life. She needs not only to survive, but also to multiply. Reproduction is dominant and therefore the butterfly has all the accessories to be seen.
The behavior of adolescents is similar. They have reached a level in their development where they can ensure their own security and safety, and now they face a new task - reproduction. You can no longer hide among the same "pupae - larvae". They will not notice the brides and grooms at the fair, and you will be left alone (alone). At this age, there is still no understanding of life in its versatility and complexity, therefore, the young growth with all the forces of the soul is directed in one direction - in search of partners. And for this you need to get out of the general row by any means. Clothes - "squeak of fashion", hairstyle - from Hollywood, manner of speaking - from TV series …
Sometimes you feel compassion when looking at sixteen-year-old girls who are ready to jump out of themselves so that only a passer-by will look back. After all, they put so much effort so that the eye catches on them, and not on Ira from the next entrance. I would like to help them, to direct young energy in a constructive direction.
To do this, we, adults and interested ones, need to understand for ourselves the meaning and purpose of puberty and the years following it. After all, our children are born for happiness and the duty of parents is to teach them to build life and relationships with others so that it brings joy, and not the bitterness of disappointment. Understanding what is happening reduces stress levels and makes life easier for both parents and children.
The modern level of development of a "teenager" is quite sufficient for the perception of basic knowledge of System-Vector Psychology at the training of Yuri Burlan, which they can take from the age of 14 with parental consent. Well, for those mothers and fathers whose children have not yet reached adolescence, knowledge about vectors will help balance their own state, which is the most important moment in forming a child's sense of security and safety. In addition, they will begin to deeply understand the psyche of the child, which means that they will be able to correctly develop its properties in this short but such a crucial period until the end of puberty. And not to lose touch with him at a transitional age.
Get started with Yuri Burlan's free online lectures on Systemic Vector Psychology. Register here:
